I've been reading from my journals in 2008, prior to us being taken to Seattle. My greatest concern then is still my greatest concern now. ELIZABETH. Her life has been nothing but change. We house sat for many people, lived in a trailer in the garage, and most recently she was uprooted from the only home she knew to Seattle, and Idaho, and back home again to Daddy's house for a few weeks. Nothing has been constant. When she finally did get comfortable some where, things changed again. While the adventure may seem fun at a young age, her behavior has shown the wear and tear of constant change.
I searched diligently for weeks for words from the leaders of our church, the Prophet and his apostles, about raising children and disciplining them. These are a few of the quotes I appreciated the most:
President Brigham Young, "Bring your children in the love and fear of the Lord, study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allow yourself to correct them in the heat of passion. Teach them to love you, not fear you."
President Gordon B. Hinckley, "There is need for discipline with families. But discipline with severity...inevitably leads to resentment and bitterness. It cures nothing and only aggravates the problem.
Behold your little ones and teach them, your example will do more than anything else in impressing upon their minds a pattern of life."
"Nor let us forget the need to respect these, our little ones. Under the revealed word of God we know they are children of God as we are children of God and deserving of that respect."
President Young also said, "Let it be your constant care... the children that God has so kindly given you.."
President Faust said, "There is no more important human effort. Being a father or mother is not only a great challenge, it is a divine calling."
President David McKay said "parenting is the greatest trust that has been given to human beings."
A lot I know, but it has been a burden on my mind. I know that I have been blessed with two beautiful children and they are wonderful and I am eternally grateful to be a mother. Some day I hope to have more children, but the problems I'm having with Elizabeth are weighing on me as a mother. I have not yet found a way to discipline her that works, she's too stubborn to threaten and she's too active for time out and when I try to talk to her about it, she screams at the top of her lungs so she can't hear what I'm saying.
All of you experienced mothers may be out there laughing at me, but my heart and mind are just at wits end. I understand she's been through a lot, and she's only three.. but how can I teach her obedience, which is important, how can I teach her love, how do I teach her the importance of good choices, with out losing my mind!!!
I think every night I pray for help, for strength, for guidance and inevitably I fail every day. What I have realized, as this Easter weekend approaches, is that I am weak, I am perfectly imperfect, I cannot last five minutes with out some how hurting/damaging my precious daughter, our Father in Heaven's daughter. And being so weak, I am so quick to forget who's daughter she really is, and what love and respect she is deserving. I am the dust of the earth, not worthy of anything. YET, my Savior endured all, gave of his own life, suffered every pain and affliction so that he could help ME, so that I could receive FORGIVENESS. So that my weaknesses may some day become strengths. He over came the world and every obstacle in it, so that I wouldn't have to do it alone. I hate that I am so weak and so quick to forget what he endured for me, so quick to forget what's important. My Savior loved Elizabeth enough to die for her, to pay for the struggles she would face, the heart aches, the frustrations, the changes she would have to endure. And I, mortal, imperfect I, cannot figure out how to teach her, to love her enough to show her the way.
I am grateful for a Savior who truly LOVED me, us, to endure all so that we wouldn't have to, so we could have to help we needed. I know he gave his own life, he freely died and conquered death. I know most importantly that HE LIVES. He is Risen and he knows us, he knows our hearts, he knows our fears and he calls to us to come unto him.
"Draw near unto me, and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me."
"Mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me."
"I will be merciful unto your weakness. Therefore be ye strong from henceforth."
Trust me none of us mothers are laughing. We all have gone or a still going through the balance act on that fine line of loving discipline! Every morning that I wake up and say "o.k. today I'll be calm, I use a rational non-yelling voice" I fail miserably. And I hate it. It's definitely easier said than done. The worst is it trickles into everything. If Kohi drives me up the wall, then my patience level for alex is shorter and that's not fair to him. ugh. But you are better than me...seeking counsel from church leaders! I just sob and try to bargain with God to just make my kids good when I know in my heart that it's me that needs to change and that they are just mimicking me. Scary.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, each day you just do your best and pray your kids don't end up too messed up! :)
the first several years of my life, my father was on active duty with the army. He was often stationed overseas in Korea. My parents decided that, at the time, situations made it not wise for mom and us kids to move with him when he would be over there. So the first few years of our lives, my sister and I would move around with mom. When dad was in the US, he was stationed in Kansas and we'd live on base with him there. When he was deployed, we lived either with my mom's parents or my dad's parents. We moved around a lot. (We did again later for different reasons as we later followed dad's non military job around the country, as well)
ReplyDeleteBut I will tell you that as confusing as it can be when you're young to have that kind of upheaval, it is not as damaging as you fear it will be. Right now she is readjusting and likely acting up to find out what the rules and boundaries are in this "new" place. She has no idea how long she will be here before she moves again and that might cause some reluctance to form attachments, that will ease with time. I a, sure part of it is her age as well, new levels of independence being explored and all. I didn't get any at that age yet as my youngest step daughter was 4 when I got her, though the 2 and a half year old grandbaby will living with us here soon (along with her parents) for a while, so that will be exciting.
Breath and relax and remind yourself that you and she are both doing the best you can with the skills and experiences you have. Her brother has been the focus of everyone's attention for most of her life and she is making her plea for some of that now.
and if it drives ya too crazy, you can always bring her by here in a month or two after Gaia gets up here and she can play with her "cousin" (ok, step third, twice removed.. or whatever the heck it'd be.. heh..) or just remember, that's what grandparents are for :) (and teenaged aunts who need to babysit, too...)
Good luck. I know you will find the right disapline that will match each of your children. My friends & family always say, when you have children remember they need constistency & boundries. How that happens, I haven't a clue. I know you & Joel can do it. One thing I loved about my mom as a parent. When I was a kid, I was a rotten child. Well I got in trouble a lot. When I did my mom never yelled (seriously), she would say go to your room I will be down in 10 minutes. Believe that was the longest 10 minutes of my life. But my mom always went into her room & cooled down before she came down to punish me. She always followed through with all punishments. But she always said that if she punished me right then & there, I would have been killed. I think you & Joel will find the right way to disapline Elizabeth. I know you can do it. Good luck:):)
ReplyDeleteHi folks. Glad to hear from you guys. SO happy that Henry is becoming more "agile and mobile" :)
ReplyDeleteIn case you have not heard you will want to check for the latest caringbridge update from Josh, Candy and Valicity Faith. Valicity just finished her last maintenance dose of Chemo. In conjunction with the last trip to Seattle CHildren's Hosp did a bone marrow biopsy. They were on their way back to Idaho when they rcvd the bone marrow results.... Valicity has Relasped! We are all stunned. Please pray for them. Jimmy
Henry's pictures are adorable and I am so happy he is walking. Hang in there with Elizabeth. I have screaming girls sometimes and in fact Ginny actually has been acting very nasty these days. So I too am looking for new disipline. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteLisa - you're an amazing mom and I think you deserve a statue or medal or something. I think that 3 years old is a real challenge, and I'm facing the same type of stuff without all the other challenges that you face. I've decided that some ages are just hard, case closed. And it's up to me to just survive through it and get to the other side. You're a survivor and a fantastic person. Your kids are so lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure this doesn't make any sense, but the same type of stuff has been on my mind as well. Love the quotes too - what a great reminder. You're amazing.
Treva